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No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse
By Gwen Purdie
Christian Focus Publications
ISBN 185792-679 X

• Life beyond sexual abuse is possible
• Denial exposed
• No need to stay in emotional pain
• No more hurting
• Truth brings freedom
• Rebuilding trust at your own pace
• Moving on to enjoy life
  
  Sexual abuse is topical these days unfortunately and this book is written from working with abused people for ten years as a social worker and then twenty years as a counsellor. It has been Gwen’s privilege to walk alongside many hurting people who have taught her so much.
  
  Over the years Gwen has met many hurting people, who may never find their way to a counsellor or be able to share their pain with anyone who might help them. It is with them in mind that she has written this book, No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse, in the hope that they will be encouraged to grasp the fact that there can be life beyond sexual abuse and beyond all the implications and symptoms that so often accompany such an experience. It is also Gwen’s hope that it will be useful to others who may be trying to understand the pain involved in sexual abuse and its consequences.
  
  This book is unashamedly written from a Christian perspective, but this should not detract from its ability to help anyone who wants to recover from the effects of sexual abuse. Practical suggestions and sources of further help (in the form of books, websites or telephone help lines) are scattered throughout the book, in the hope that some readers will be able to move forward in their journey towards healing.
  
  Gwen writes
  
  I wrote my book, No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse, because of my social work and counselling experience spanning over thirty years. I worked as a social worker for 10 years and pioneered Dove Christian Counselling twenty years ago. Dove is still counselling from a Christian perspective in Glasgow and Linlithgow. During these years I have heard an epidemic number of stories from people who have been sexually abused. They came for help because their symptoms were too hard to cope with but with no way of knowing how to get free. I want this book and its message of hope to reach ordinary men and women who are experiencing emotional pain.
  
  Over the years there has been a lot of denial in Scotland that abuse happens. Sexual abuse has not been widely identified or acknowledged. The unpalatable truth is that it does happen all too often. Of course, sexual abuse is a universal problem. During the last four years of counselling before writing the book, 51% of the women and 10% of the men reported that they had been sexually abused. Of those who were abused, 30% of women and 29% of men were abused before the age of 16. The facts are that people, children and adults, are being sexually abused, mostly by someone they know. Sexual abuse happens in families and outside of the family network. It is not always a one-off event. Abusers come from all social classes. Sadly, but also true, Christians have been found to abuse others too. A person doesn’t have to be raped to be sexually abused. Sexual abuse is more about power than sex and is a major violation of the abused person’s will and personal choice.
  
  Sexual abuse rarely comes on its own. It is often accompanied by emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse or violence etc. The huge thing about sexual abuse is the damage it does. Symptoms are wide and varied. There can be emotional turmoil, physical difficulties, psychological complications, spiritual problems, relational pain and damaged sexuality etc. There can be a real sense of shame, guilt, blame, fear, abandonment, powerlessness, and grief, inability to trust God or humans, and so on. There are many symptoms I haven’t mentioned, because each individual reacts differently.
  
  Forgiveness is a thorny issue in relation to abuse. I am a firm believer that the biblical requirement to forgive someone who has abused is mandatory BUT I am troubled that hasty forgiveness is counter-productive. To forgive before blaming the abuser is like putting an elastoplast on to an open wound. Expecting someone to forgive can be brought up too early and can only be considered once other pieces of the healing jigsaw fall into place, such as an understanding of what was involved in the abuse, the nature of the wrongs and where the responsibility lies. Almost every sexually abused person I ever met blames him or her self personally for the abuse. If the abused person has not yet blamed the abuser, and recognised feelings of betrayal and anger, seeming forgiveness can be another form of denial. It is also true to say that much healing does flow from forgiving the abuser whether or not that person admits any liability. Forgiveness is about overcoming the past and moving on and is an aspect of healing that is a process and takes time.
  
  The book No more Hurting is intended for those who have been sexually abused and those who are trying to help support them, whether it is teachers, social workers, church leaders or counsellors. The book is readable, practical, and affordable and has a wide appeal for addressing any type of emotional or relational brokenness because many of the principles in the book are helpful in a variety of situations.
  
  Christians and churches have to have child protection policies, and they need to know how to care for the abused on a long term and consistent basis with tender loving care and wisdom. We also need to reach out to the abusers themselves and give them the opportunity to repent and begin a new life free of hurting others. Specialist counselling from a Christian can be a great way to tap into God’s resources for getting well whether abused or abuser.
  
  I want to convey in my book, No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse, there is far more hope for healing and life beyond sexual abuse than people have been led to believe. I have seen many people courageously walk the road to health and well being after being sexually abused. I have had the privilege of witnessing many miracles of healing as people, both men and women have sought God’s help for the way through and up and out of their symptoms. Some of their stories are mentioned in my book with their permission. No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse is an attempt to reach people I might never have the opportunity to meet – to assure them there is an answer to the issues that prevail because of sexual abuse.
  
  Comments from readers
  
  This book could be something of a landmark in this difficult field.
  
  It is splendidly set out, easy to follow, honest, positive in its message, biblical and absolutely timely.
  I have started reading and find it extremely clear, sensitive and insightful. I am learning important things.
  
  I am enjoying reading your book, Gwen. It is so solid, informing, loving and shows a mighty trust in the Lord, as we who work with these people need to have. It is interesting that wherever you work with these people it is the same things you have to face and work with.
  
  Just a 'thank you' for your book, I finished it within three weeks.  Some of it was hard to read but I persevered and I know that God has done a deep work in my heart through it.  Your love and compassion enabled me to face what I don't like to face, and through this I have become stronger.  I know that the book will bless many.  It is so good to read something that is real. Yes there are books that look at this in an abstract way but I felt that I was on the same journey of recovery as real people that I could identify with.
  
  Thank you again for your book. It was interesting to realise that many people come to terms with the abuse late in life. Also, important to hear that it is not the degree of the abuse that matters but that ANY abuse occurred.
  
  Your book, No more Hurting is so concise and is a great reference book for all sorts of issues, not just abuse. It is easily read and the examples are fantastic. I felt I could see the healing taking place in Heather and Henry and the progress they made. It was also clearly Christian but accessible to non-Christians.
  
  Having supported your work for many years I was deeply moved to see the evidence of your painstaking work with abused people. It doesn’t seem to matter to you how small the step is that is taken but that progress is being made. How very encouraging to read of actual people who are on the mend. Please thank them for me for being willing to share their stories with fellow travellers on life’s road.
  
  I have finished reading your book for the first time and no doubt will dip into it time and again. My first thoughts are once again you have been clear and honest in your writing and it is weaved throughout with genuine sensitivity. Healing is not a quick fix and there is no painkiller to dull the pain only coming to the place that God's love is unconditional.
  
  Reviews of No more Hurting – life beyond sexual abuse
  
  Review by Living Waters, a British agency dealing with sexual brokenness –
  
  The book No More Hurting - Life beyond Sexual Abuse is excellent. The book is very comprehensive in unpacking abuse and the effects of abuse. This is the best book that I’ve read so far on abuse. It stresses the need to face and acknowledge the truth about what happened, talks about the loss of trust with God and with people, and gives some information on how to rebuild trust. The writer writes about the way boundaries can be invaded and the resulting inability to have good boundaries. She also mentions the need to restore a healthy sense of boundaries and confused sexuality. Finally, the book deals with abusers and how they can be helped.
  
  No More Hurting would definitely benefit those who help people from backgrounds of abuse, as well as the abused themselves. The writer writes about all of the issues of abuse with dignity and humanity. The book doesn’t gloss over any issues or steps of healing and really tries to enter into the world of the pain of the abused. Others (like church leaders or those in pastoral care) would benefit from reading it too as it paints a picture of the breadth and depth of emotional wounding that people can suffer from events in life and communicates the need to treat people sensitively. E.g. the writer stresses the need for steps of healing, such as forgiveness, to be at the right time and not forced.  
  
  Review by Jan Younger, Philippi Counselling and Training in Accord (Association of Christian Counsellors magazine) –
  
  Perhaps unsurprisingly, following her work over twenty years of counselling men and women who have been abused, the author writes this book primarily for those hurting people who will probably never manage to find their way to a counsellor nor be able to share their pain with anyone who might help them’. She goes on to say that she writes ‘in the hope that there can be life beyond sexual abuse and beyond all the implications and symptoms that so often accompany such an experience. It is also my hope that it will be useful to those who may be trying to understand the pain involved in sexual abuse and its consequences’.
  
  I was particularly struck by the facts and figures in chapter one – A Truth Submerged – a daunting reminder of how widespread is the occurrence of sexual abuse i.e. between 1 and 10 and 1 in 4 children will have experienced sexual abuse before they reach adulthood! Some experienced counsellors may not need reminding of these figures but it is all too easy to forget that we see only a small fraction of survivors in our counselling rooms. There are many, many more who suffer in silence.
  
  Bearing in mind for whom the book is intended, I like the ‘health warning’ in the preface to the unwary reader about keeping themselves safe and giving the reassurance that there is a right time to face issues which is unique to each person. She stresses that for now it may be necessary to put the book aside and return to it when they feel more able.
  
  Other chapters look at how emotions are affected; the symptoms of sexual abuse and some suggestions as to how to deal with them; the need for a healthy self-image; relating to God and to other people including family as well as damaged sexuality. Throughout the book the message that resonates is that the child is never to blame for the abuse – it is the fault of the abuser e.g., ‘Abuse is always the result of the wilful and wrong choice of an abuser’.
  
  I would certainly love to see churches make copies of this book available for their members in order to give some insight as to the immensity of the problem as well as some idea how survivors are coping with the pain – usually screaming silently and inwardly. It would be equally useful for counsellors to have available for their clients to read.
  
  Whilst there are helpful addresses scattered throughout this book my disappointment is that they seem to be mostly for Scottish readers as might be expected from a writer who founded a counselling centre in Glasgow! However, International resources are at the back of the book.
  
  Well done, Gwen – a great book written in accessible language for the lay person.
  
  The Churches Child Protection Advisory Service www.ccpas.co.uk is very pleased that my book is now available and is recommending it to others.
  
  Pauline Pearson of CCPAS writes - Gwen has written a practical book that will be an asset for church leaders, counsellors, and those seeking to support people working through issues of sexual abuse. I recommend it.